Discover a lighter side to wedded bliss with our hilarious compilation, ‘Jokes about Marriage Advice’, guaranteed to bring laughter and a fresh perspective to couples everywhere.
50 Jokes about Marriage Advice
- Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right and the other is the husband.
- They say marriage is all about compromise. I call it learning to say “Yes, dear” in three different languages.
- My wife told me I should be more in touch with my feelings. So, I started leaving the toilet seat up. That’s a feeling, right?
- The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Remember, marriage is a workshop… where the husband works and the wife shops.
- Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time.
- Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
- The four most beautiful words in our common language: “I told you so.”
- My husband and I married for better or worse. He couldn’t do better, and I couldn’t do worse.
- Marriage is when a man and woman become one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
- Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish saying it.
- In my house, I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
- A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
- Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you’d be surprised at the large number that re-enlist.
- When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
- To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.
- The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
- You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
- The most effective way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forget it… once.
- Why do married people live longer? Because they can’t argue with death.
- Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
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- The difference between an engaged girl and a telephone? You can get off a telephone.
- A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
- My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my fort.
- Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
- Marriage is like a public toilet, those waiting outside are desperate to get in and those inside are desperate to come out.
- I asked my wife what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.” So, I bought her nothing.
- Marriage is when a man loses his bachelor’s degree and a woman gets her master’s.
- Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It’s a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins.
- My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
- A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
- Marriage is not a word; it’s a sentence—a life sentence.
- Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.
- An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren’t.
- Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
- A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person, just with more and more expensive gifts each time.
- They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
- Never go to bed mad—stay up and fight!
- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.
- The four stages of marriage are: Bliss, Boredom, Arguing, and Apathy. Not necessarily in that order.
- The secret of a happy marriage is still a secret, but we’re pretty sure it involves a lot of pizza.
- Marriage is a lot like a card game at the start. All you need is two hearts and a diamond. Years later, you’ll want a club and a spade.
- My wife said she wanted to see more of me around the house, so I left mirrors everywhere.
- Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
- They say love is blind… and marriage is an eye-opener.
- Always carry your wife’s photo in your wallet. Whenever you face difficulties, look at the photo and think: “If I can handle this, I can handle anything!”
- “Do you know the difference between a tornado and marriage? Nothing, they both start with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end, you lose your house.”
- Marriage is a workshop… where the husband works and the wife shops.
- My wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
- Laughter within marriage acts as a bonding agent, a way to navigate the ups and downs together with a smile.
These ‘Jokes about Marriage Advice’ remind us that taking life too seriously is a surefire way to miss out on its joys, especially within the shared journey of marriage.

I’m a MA, (CMT) Certified Massage Therapist, Licensed Massage Therapist (LMT), and Reiki Master — I’m a licensed massage therapist with over 10 years of experience in the industry.